humor department

[JerryJ]

Originally Posted by Poppy & Nana

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Kathy is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


Hope this is not off color for you all!!!!

My wife REALLY laughed at that one...nyuk, nyuk

[bunjin]

What I also find funny is I bet Kathy wrote the post!

[Poppy & Nana]

Originally Posted by bunjin

What I also find funny is I bet Kathy wrote the post!

Ya think???

Kathy

[JerryJ]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs

she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ..............

But, I fish on Fridays.

[mainah]

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[Poppy & Nana]

Originally Posted by mainah

only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Oh that is soooo bad LOL!!!!

[JerryJ]

It's soooo bad it's good and cute

[Gene]

I am glad I put my coffee down before reading that. LOL

[Wannabes]

So, after failing with their florist shop, the same group of monks decides to open a restaurant. Since several of the friars were British, they thought the restaurant should specialize in fish-and-chips. When the restaurant opens, a customer comes in and, seeing their speciality, says to one of the monks, "Well, I guess you're the fish friar!" to which the friar answers, "No, just the chip monk."

[mainah]

One bad pun deserves another!

[Poppy & Nana]

Lol

[JerryJ]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3 pack, 10 pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table and where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious.."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

If you don't forward this to at least 1 person you have no sense of humor..

[JerryJ]

The Importance of Walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4000 per month.


My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where he is.


I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...


I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.


Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.


The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'


If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.


We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND...


Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.



You could run this over to your friends
but why not just e-mail it to them...


If you don't forward
This to 1 of your friends within
The next 5 minutes your belly
Button will unscrew and your
Butt will fall off.

Really.... It's true!

[JerryJ]

See if you can figure this out. I can't. Obviously an illusion but where?
I have seen something like this years ago but memory fails me.
It's a great one for the kids too


http://www.youtube.com/v/9O9HfafzBPE?version=3

[Janalee]

Skipping Mass

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

[bunjin]

My guess is the Rabbi!

[Mellow Yellow]

From the 8 yr. old Grandster

What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Nacho cheese!!!!!!

[Janalee]

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.

"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous. Can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

[Poppy & Nana]

CURTAIN RODS - PRICELESS



On the first day after the separation, she sadly packedher
belongings intoboxes, cratesand suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.


On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautifuldining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a
bottleof spring-water.


When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited afew half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, andat first, all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.


They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.


Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.


Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in toset off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move
out for afew days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive woolcarpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in thehouse. The maid quit… Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided theyhad to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half- they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even local realtors refused to returntheir calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrowa huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. Hetold her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terriblyand would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreedon a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completedpaperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watchedthe moving companypack everything to
take to their new home ......


... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING,DON'T YOU?

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Poppy & Nana

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!...

Priceless indeed!