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Old 10-02-2014, 11:36 AM   #41
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I decided to grow a beard I didn't like it at first but then it grew on me.
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Old 10-09-2014, 05:41 AM   #42
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
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His butt !!!!
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Old 10-11-2014, 01:29 PM   #43
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A guy asked his blonde friend, “What are the names of your dogs?”

The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helloooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
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Old 10-16-2014, 01:52 PM   #44
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I love these authentic quotes ..

Don’t you just love wisdom like this? Over the past 2500 years for this list and still true, tells us a lot about “us”, eh?


1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
--James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University .

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes.I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save
Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
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Old 10-16-2014, 03:44 PM   #45
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Little too political for me.
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Old 10-16-2014, 04:38 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mainah View Post
Little too political for me.
I suppose there's a fine line within any type of humor. This batch of one-liners was from politicians and humorists poking fun at themselves.
IMO we can't take certain things in life too seriously and be able to laugh. I suppose we could say "we laugh in the face of adversity" A great stress reliever
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Old 10-16-2014, 06:20 PM   #47
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I loved it.
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Old 10-17-2014, 08:29 AM   #48
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There was a blond at the hair dresser and she had a ipod with ear plugs on the hair dresser asked her to please remove them so she could cut her hair well after a bit of back a forth she finally did remove them. I about a minute or two she started to turn blue, rescue came and gave her CPR and rushed her to the hospital. The hair dressed picked up the ipod and it was still playing the same thing over and over “breath in-----breath out.
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Old 10-17-2014, 11:40 AM   #49
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This kind of goes along with the Explosive Ordinance Disposal guy's shirt I'll saw one time:

Front Chest: "Bomb Squad"
Back: "If I'm running, try to keep up"


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Old 10-23-2014, 09:48 PM   #50
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Seen on a sign outside of Gettysburg:

"I was addicted to the hokey-pokey...but I turned myself around."

Now, that's what it's all about!
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:34 AM   #51
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home?”

“Because he’s thinking of getting married!"
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:53 AM   #52
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Two tankers collided in the harbor one was carrying blue paint the other red no one was hurt but the crew was marooned.
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:12 PM   #53
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Cute!!!!
Attached Images
File Type: jpg joke.jpg (73.4 KB, 21 views)
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Old 10-25-2014, 03:44 PM   #54
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Good one!
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Old 10-26-2014, 08:41 AM   #55
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Designed for T1350s

http://dailypicksandflicks.com/2014/10/25/homemade-thai-motorboat-video/
check your volume because the link came to me with volume off.
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Old 10-29-2014, 01:48 PM   #56
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Great for kids and grandkids

http://www.wimp.com/clarinetcarrot/
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Old 10-29-2014, 01:51 PM   #57
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This is cute but true too



How to make your point!?????????????????????????????
https://www.youtube.com/embed/6_-xTxP1hD4?autoplay=1
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Old 10-29-2014, 01:54 PM   #58
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UP

I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.</SPAN>


UP

Be sure to Read until the end... You'll laugh.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand
UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?


At a meeting, why does a topic come
UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UPto the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UPthe silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.


At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir
UPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses.


To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed
UP is special.


And this
UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UPbecause it is stopped UP.

We open
UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixedUP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of
UP, look UPthe word UPin the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UPalmost 1/4 of the page and can add UPto about thirty definitions.

If you are UPto it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UPis used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UPwith a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding
UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaksUPthe earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . My time is UP!


Oh . . . One more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?



U

P!


Did that one crack you
UP?


Don't screw
UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . Or not . . . it's UPto you.
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Old 10-30-2014, 06:37 AM   #59
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Senior Romance

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Kathy is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


Hope this is not off color for you all!!!!
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Old 10-30-2014, 08:28 AM   #60
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Leo, I'm taking that one to the bar this afternoon. Toooo funny!

Teach
(still lurking in the shadows)
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