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Old 09-24-2014, 09:09 AM   #21
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Joke of the Day: Wednesday, September 24 2014


Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with a stranger.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”
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Old 09-24-2014, 02:01 PM   #22
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A couple of elderly SOC members who'd recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary were sitting on the sofa in their Sunline camper, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk toward the rear of the camper.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
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Old 09-24-2014, 04:02 PM   #23
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Oh good one Deb & Tom!!!
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Old 09-24-2014, 04:05 PM   #24
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Bought vs Homemade


Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family
planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go?"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies.

Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.

Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"



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Old 09-24-2014, 04:09 PM   #25
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MURDER AT THE WAL-MART...r
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.


Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...


(You're going to hate me for this ....)






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!!'


Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you!
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Old 09-24-2014, 08:11 PM   #26
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Quote:
"Artie chokes 2 for $1.00 @ Wal-Mart"
Now that's just sad!
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Old 09-25-2014, 06:45 AM   #27
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ATT00014.jpg
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Old 09-26-2014, 09:58 AM   #28
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Quick on Your Feet

A guy comes to the produce store and asks for half a watermelon. The associate explains they don’t sell halves. The customer insists and finally asks to speak to the manager.

The associate enters the manager’s office and says, “Boss, there is this idiot at the store, insisting on buying half a watermelon…” Suddenly, in the corner of his eye, he saw that the customer followed him all the way to the manager’s office, and he adds, “but then this gentleman came over and said he will buy the other half, so I will sell it to him.”

After the whole incident, the manager congratulates the associate, “You handled that awkward situation really well. You are very quick on your feet. Where are you from?”

“I am from Canada,” replies the associate, “the country where half the people are morons and the other half are hockey players....

“My wife is Canadian,” says the manager

“Oh yes, which team is she playing for?” replies the associate.
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Old 09-26-2014, 10:19 AM   #29
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This is an actual highway sign in Bird in Hand, PA, or I should say was, because it was stolen!!!
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Old 09-26-2014, 10:20 AM   #30
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Old 09-26-2014, 05:37 PM   #31
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Traffic Camera

So, I was driving down College Road the other day. As I went past one of the traffic cameras I saw it flash. Now, I knew I wasn't speeding and laughed that it took my picture. I turned around and drove past it again, almost 10MPH under the speed limit, it flashed at me again. I did this repeatedly and the last time I was at a crawl, laughing my butt off that it took my picture again, how funny was this.

Two weeks later I got 6 tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt.
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Old 09-26-2014, 08:07 PM   #32
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Janalee, I loved the Canadian/hockey joke! Thanks.
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Old 09-30-2014, 08:17 AM   #33
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A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.


The jet jockey decided to show off.







The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, “Watch this!”

And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a




steep climb.


He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke




the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought




of that?





The C-130 pilot said, “That was impressive, but watch this!”



The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said,


“What did you think of that?”



Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”


The C-130 pilot chuckled.
“I stood up, stretched my legs, walked


to the back,

used the toilet,then got a cup of coffee and acinnamon roll.”





When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!


When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!



We older folks understand this one, it's called




S O S.

Slower, Older and Smarter....
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Old 09-30-2014, 12:06 PM   #34
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LOL. Love it!
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Old 09-30-2014, 03:13 PM   #35
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I can remember back to when I would have been the F-16 Pilot, but I now do truly appreciate the wisdom of the C-130 pilot. I love this joke.
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Old 09-30-2014, 05:59 PM   #36
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went then it dawned on me.
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Old 09-30-2014, 06:50 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mainah View Post
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went then it dawned on me.
OMG yawn.... Cute though
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Old 10-01-2014, 07:53 AM   #38
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A Lawyer and a Blonde

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00. The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word.

The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is answer?”

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
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Old 10-01-2014, 08:12 AM   #39
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~~~ 95,000 miles.
I have Google and also gray hair. definitely not blonde.
woohoo happy dance.....
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Old 10-02-2014, 09:35 AM   #40
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At The Pearly Gates

Three people die - a doctor, a school teacher and the CEO of a large health insurance company. When met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, he asks the doctor, 'What did you do in your life?'

The Doctor replied, 'I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free.' St. Peter told the Doctor, 'You may go in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did. She replied, 'I taught educationally challenged children.' St. Peter then told her 'You may go in.'

At last, he asked the third man, 'What did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large health insurance company.' To which St. Peter replied, 'You may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'!!!
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